Trials and Tribulations ................

So these past few months have been really crazy for me...........

I swear, God is testing me ..... I think he's trying to bring me closer to him and for some reason I feel like I'm really resisting which is probably making things a lot worse .........

Right now it just seem like everything in my life is going wrong .... I am definitely not where I want to be .... and I can feel ALL my relationships starting to suffer from it. I'm slowly trying to get it together though. Slowly .............

*deep sigh* ..... I need a release ...... I need ti scream, to cry, to yell, to punch something ......... I need a release .........

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Damn, have I been away that long that I don't know where anything is at on this page ..... Goodness .....

I'm not going to promise that I will again be a regular on this here page, b/c clearly every time I do .... I don't come back for about 6 months to a year ..... Sad and pathetic I know .....but like said I need a release and if Xanga is going to be my release then so be it...................................

Moving Forward..........

So today, I decided something and I hope that I will have the courage to finish it! I have taken steps to bridge the gap between Jordan and myself in order to strengthen our relationship. Because of the uncertainity and the nature of the relationship I have refrained from him meeting my family but  I have invited him to meet my mother on her birthday in two weeks! Progression, I think ..... he agreed but I secretly think that at the last minute he's going to back out of it...... I mean we talked about him meeting my family and friends before but it never actually happened and I don't know if it was because I just never brought it up again.... But if he does goes through with it .... I think it will be good for both of us and moving forward with this we call a relationship....... I know there are going to be many people out there who won't be able to understand our relationship, hell many times I don't seem to understand this relationship ..... all I know is that this is what I want (I think) .... I want this to work..... it has to work ..... it feels so right ..... I mean there are time when I have my doubts, but every good relationship goes with some level of uncertainity..... I don't know I'm just trying to have a positive outlook on things ........ trying to work it out........

Getting Back to Life Once Again.............

Oh, its been a while dear Xanga........

I know once again I've have neglected you for being an adult in the real world.... its not that I haven't been thinking about writing to you, its just that sometimes life gets so damn complicated and I can't seem to find time within a 24 hour period to sit down and write all the thoughts that are swimming through my mind.

But atlas I am back ..... I refuse to say for how long because I cannot make a promise as to when the world is going to come calling again, but for now ..... I am here.......

Anyway there are a lot of things that are going through my mind .......

the biggest thing is my ongoing relationship with (I shall call him: Jordan)

I cannot recall how many times I've actually mentioned Jordan on this page .... but I think I'm going to check real quick ...... be right back!


Okay ...... I'm back ..... surprisingly, I have managed to NOT write about Jordan ... I mean I did mention him once back in 2008 when we were going through our little tiff, but that's about it... I didn't however go far enough to see if I wrote about him when we first met in 2006.... Geez, just saying that out loud makes it seems like forever ago, though it doesn't quite seem that long. Probably because of our on again off again relationship.... we've only been dating for about 2 1/2 years and only been in a serious relationship for about 1 year....... does that seem crazy ... I mean, that's a long time to be with someone (as I told him last night). I feel like I spent most of my twenties with him ... I mean I met him when I was 21 .... now I am 25......

I mean.... (sorry... I say that a lot) I've dated other people besides him, when we were not together or when we were only "dating" but somehow, someway, we've always managed to find a way to each other. I've even broken up with him on different occasions while we were "serious" one being last weekend. I don't know.... sometimes I feel like I've found the guy for me .... you know the "ONE" and I think about us living together and having a family and doing real grown up things. Then the other part of me, wonders if I should be out there playing the field, doing some more dating to really find myself and what I want. What if Jordan and I do settle down and I wake up 5 or 10 years from now and discover that's not what I want? Not only have I wasted my time, but I have also wasted his..... These thoughts are so overwhelming ..... sometimes I cannot take it ..... Not to mention, I have REAL relationship issues .... Issues that I could spend a whole month on... maybe even more.....  I know what you are thinking, if you have relationship issues, why are you in a relationship ...... well my friends..... that is a good question, one I cannot answer right now, but I will try to as soon as I can .......

Anyway. ..... When and why is it a requirement that I post my Xanga on Facebook ...... I think I set the security so that no one can read it .... but who knows ..... I guess when they post it on your wall there's nothing you can really do about it huh? that annoys the crap out of me .....

The Wedding Planner!!!!!!!

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Worst Week Ever!!!!!